Shameless

I grew up in the church. You could say it was a typical, southern black church–full of rules, regulations, and its own code of ethics. I remember being taught at a young age how a lady was supposed to act: my dresses and skirts were to be knee-length and longer, my shoulders could not be out during a church service, my nail polish could not be dark (red, burgundy, or black) because this made me “look grown”, and my language had to be clean. These rules initiated what would take years of therapy, introspection, and new environments to overcome.

I was once scolded for the bouncy way that I walked, for it looked like I was skipping in church. Heaven forbid you are excited during offering and have more pep in your step than the person behind you. I was scolded for whistling in church…after the service was over…when there wasn’t even a preacher in the pulpit. Women were not supposed to do a lot of things is what I gathered from these experiences. However, I don’t recall men getting these talks.

Before I continue, I must state that I love my home church because this is where I was first baptized and started a relationship with Christ. This is where I learned many of the values that I cherish today–loving others who may be different from you, the importance of worship and prayer, and what it means to stand firm in your faith. However, just like many places of worship, it had its faults. Thus, let’s continue.

I remember being in middle school during track practice and physically panicking and thinking that I was going to hell for being attracted to guys with their shirts off. How dare I look at them and desire them in this state! I almost cried when I was given my uniform and learned that the shorts were indeed, SHORT! I would always wear basketball shorts to run and couldn’t stand the thought of wearing anything shorter than that. Most of the girls on my team would laugh, because they couldn’t understand why I was so bothered by clothing that only had to be worn a few hours on the field. But it was this deep-rooted belief that my worth was tied to the clothes that I wore. It was the fact that I believed I’d be punished for tempting men and was the cause of their downfall. It would inherently be my fault for the way in which men would treat me and I’d be the sole person responsible for unwarranted catcalls. This mindset alone perpetuates rape culture and often prohibits women from developing a healthy relationship with their own bodies and sexuality.

Fast-forward to sex-education class, which was absolutely terrible might I add, I would often ask to be excused. Not only did the topics make me uncomfortable, but I decided that I would be a nun and that I shouldn’t be concerned with all of the diseases and other heathen things. *Cue the laughter!*

Here I am a college graduate, and yes, still a virgin. The difference now is that practicing celibacy is a personal choice for reasons other than the shame and guilt that comes with religion. I know that God will love me whether or not I have sex before marriage. I know that waiting to have sex does not guarantee that I will be free from bad relationship experiences nor ensure that I will marry the perfect person sooner than my other friends who didn’t not take this pledge of chastity. I am waiting because I want to create a strong friendship that is built on love and intimacy without adding the complications of sex to the picture. I am still waiting because I see many benefits for myself knowing that I am a very emotional being and often get hurt from how easily I trust people at times. And if I decide not to wait, God will continue to love me because there’s nothing I can do to earn his grace and mercy–that’s why it is given freely! This idea that you have to be perfect before coming to Christ could not be further from the truth. The whole point of Jesus dying on the cross was to pay the price for our sins. Righteousness is not based on our own good deeds nor how long we wait to have sex. Righteousness, as defined by a pastor from Impact Church, is “right standing; ability to stand before a Holy God without any sense of guilt, condemnation, shame; to have God treat you as though sin has never existed in your life”. Holiness, or choosing to wait until marriage, is my response to righteousness. While holiness does not qualify me to be acceptable in God’s sight, it is my response to His great love for me.

College saved me from this flawed perspective I had on sex and my sexuality. It was the liberty given by my close friends that I was able to grow and change. It was the freedom that they exhibited when they would have casual sex and still be ok the next day that let me know I was safe to evolve. Although I am still waiting until marriage, my friends always respected my decision and never pass judgement. When I got to college I did a complete 180 in regards to how I viewed sex. I no longer judged those that were “sexually successful” nor deemed them as less than worthy of receiving an amazing spouse one day. Matter of fact, I was the person cheering my friends on when they would leave for their sex appointments. My rule was this: be safe, be in charge, and do you boo!

Now at 23 years young, I am reclaiming my sexuality and how I view sex. Despite having some religious leaders in the church try to explain to me that sex within the confides of marriage was a beautiful thing, I associated sex with sin and pain. At this point in my life I am now open to the idea of having sex before marriage as long as it is with someone that I love and trust. Although my desire is to wait, I have decided that I won’t punish myself if I later decide otherwise. I can’t hold myself to a decision I made at a very young age to be abstinent. I am constantly changing and evolving and learning. I owe myself the right to challenge my own beliefs and decide what is best for me. I owe myself a shameless life. Once afraid of being sexy, I have now taken a pole dancing class and can fearlessly walk into a bar wearing THE tightest black mini dress. Why? Because I can. Period!

And not that I owe anyone an explanation, but the main reason why I can be seen outside in my cute shorts and crop top on a sunny day in July is because I feel free. I no longer feel bound to standards placed upon me by religion and people. Religion with its uptight structure growing up told me that it is un-ladylike to show skin and that to have a loving spouse one day, you had to be pure. Hah! So is everyone else that has sex dirty?

When you have a real relationship with Christ, you not only begin to walk differently, but you have a better understanding of what He has called you to do. And no, I do not believe God has called me to dress fully clothed while I am at the beach. If you do, that’s your prerogative. I just ask that you don’t judge others that believe otherwise. *Continues strutting in my two-piece bikini.* To the young girl who felt like it was her fault for guys sexually harassing her; to the young girl who would base her worth off of the response that cute guy in class would give; to the young girl that’s afraid to live and explore, I hope you find your freedom. Claim it–whether you’re bisexual, a lesbian, or queer. Claim it honey, because this freedom is yours and you deserve to live SHAMELESSLY!