Let’s be honest, many of us are not ok right now. And that is ok.
The year 2020 has been an emotional rollercoaster, with seemingly more downs than ups. With COVID-19 running rampant throughout the world, many of us have been forced to grieve the loss of routines, plans, and unfortunately for some, loved ones. This global pandemic has taught me that the normalcy I longed for was not actually that great to begin with. I was always on-the-go and lost connection with the simple pleasures of life. Meagan Good and Devan Franklin once said, “Change is always difficult, which is why people so often retreat into the familiar even when the familiar is awful and depressing.”
And just when I began to adjust to these new changes, news of the senseless murders of Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, and George Floyd, began to flood my timeline. In the midst of a global pandemic and civil unrest in America, I have found myself tired. Pre-Corona, my response to someone asking how I am has been “tired”. However, tired has now become such an understood statement, filled with more than mere pain and exhaustion. I am tired of everyone calling me strong. It used to be a compliment, but now I find myself caving under the immense pressure and perplexed by the weight I can no longer withstand. I’m tired of seeing black women stand up for black men, just to go overlooked and be disrespected. I’m tired of people saying “all lives matter” as a response to Black Lives Matter. At this point, you’re just being purposely obtuse and racist because this truly isn’t a hard concept–all lives CANNOT matter until black lives matter. I’m tired of feeling like I have to educate white people on the very system of racism they created. *Google is free.* I’m tired of having to hide behind tears and hurt just to appear professional at work. I’m tired of not feeling comfortable bringing my whole, authentic self to predominantly white spaces. I’m tired of my skin being weaponized. I’m sick and tired of being sick, and tired. Yet, I find myself struggling to rest and recharge.
It’s ok not to be ok. You are not alone. Don’t be hard on yourself for needing rest. Even God, the creator of the universe, took a day of rest after He made the earth (Genesis 2:2). Thus, take the time to get in tune with what your body needs. Self care isn’t just about face masks and bubble baths, but unplugging from sources that trigger intense emotions and disrupt your peace. I felt guilty for taking time away from social media for awhile and needing to disengage from the news. For me, it was almost as if I wasn’t being an admirable advocate for justice by stepping away when there is still so much work to be done. In reality, this mindset couldn’t be further from the truth.
My very existence is an act of defiance.
There is something about black joy–the essence of finding something to smile about during the darkest times. There is something special about how black people can often make a joke out of almost anything, no matter how serious. Laughter is a form of survival! There is something peculiar and heavenly about a people able to build with the stones that have been thrown at them.
You owe yourself the space to cry AND to laugh. You owe it to yourself to take care of your mental state now more than ever. I have learned to give myself space to go through various emotions without judgment. Some days I cry and am filled with much anxiety and hopelessness. Then there are other days I can muster the energy to work out and meal prep. Some days I need to call my close friends and family. Other days I don’t feel like talking. Some days I am protesting, whether that is downtown with a sign in my hand or on social media and signing petitions. Other days I bury myself in countless, random YouTube videos. Just know that there is no one right way to respond to trauma.
To my black beauties: don’t let anyone police your emotions and make you feel invalid in them! Whether you’re college educated or not, your life is important and you deserve respect. The way you articulate your words are not a reflection of your worth. Whether you’re affluent or barely making ends meet–your life matters. Black girl; you matter! Ghetto black girl, your life matters. Queer black girl, your life matters.
You matter and I love you.
With love and light,
Kai
